If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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