Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
