You can't special order awesome
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
