I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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