my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
