OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
