I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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