so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
