True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
