I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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