I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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