You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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