Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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