I can text with my tongue
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
