i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
