I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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