I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
