It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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