I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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