If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
