she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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