It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's blow job season.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
