Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
