Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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