So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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