I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
