Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
