My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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