Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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