Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
