watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
