Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
