I think my fart just growled at me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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