At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
