I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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