he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
