she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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