she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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