I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
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