I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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