You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
