So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
