he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
