next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He passed out mid-signature
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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