I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
