either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
