Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
