I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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