this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
