My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
