If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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