there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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