Your face is a jimmy john
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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